Why Most Expats Fail: Living Abroad Won’t Solve Your Problems
Many of us think that all our problems will be solved if we can move away. If you put yourself in a new situation, surrounded by new people where no one knows you, everything will magically resolve it
We all know the saying: Wherever you go, there you are. You can not escape yourself. If you have not dealt with your baggage, it will come with you, even overseas.
One of the biggest problems many expats have is that they think moving to a new country will solve their problems.
I shouldn’t say expats, but people in general.
We have this notion that if we move to a place where no one knows us, we can start over with a clean slate. In some aspects, it can help you start over.
However, this pink, fluffy, dreamlike state lasts only for so long. Eventually, we humans fall back into old patterns that have not been resolved.
Revealing that you have not changed and your baggage was waiting to be reclaimed by you.
You can change your location, name, hair, and clothing, but if you were miserable before you moved, eventually, you will be even more miserable in your new location.
Why more miserable? Living abroad is not an easy task.
What once seems new and exciting will become annoying, and you might find it challenging to find comfort in your new, strange environment. To make it even worse, if you have not made any friends, you could feel isolated, lonely, and alone.
Many expats struggle to find a support system abroad, which can crush your living abroad dreams.
Plus, since you are starting over, if you have friends, they might not fully understand your past struggles that have carried over into your new life, leaving you longing for the comfort of your old home, friends, and family.
You will start blaming the new country for your problems, and it will become a blame game. Instead of looking inside to see the difficulties, many start taking out their issues on anyone around them.
So you then become miserable, and since you think it is the country’s fault, you adapt poorly.
Living abroad is not easy. Most of us must make new friends, form new bonds, adapt to a new culture, and learn a new language.
I have noticed that most people struggle with the latter two: adapting to the culture and learning the language.
My Spanish is not fluent, and I struggle, but I can get by, and living with Colombians helps. I live in the countryside, outside of the expat bubble, so I do not have the luxury of being surrounded by people with the same culture as me.
It has taken me three years to immerse myself in Colombia's culture fully. I, too, was like everyone else when I moved here: thinking,
“Why do they do it this way when another way is easier?¨
“Why do I have to flag my waitress down?¨
¨Can’t she see I am done eating? “
¨Why is there always a line?¨
¨Why is the music so loud, everywhere!?¨
The little things always bothered me, mainly because I was rigid on the inside. I had to get my ego in check, and I have been humbled countless times living here.
However, I would not have survived living here if I had not begun my inward journey before my move/travel abroad adventure.
Even though I now enjoy the laid-back life and ease of the country, it was not always like that.
I would get angry when no one could understand me, frustrated when I could not find something I wanted, or frustrated when I could not have the convenience of food or goods delivered.
Three years later, I am happy that I had all the issues and had my egoic mask removed. The problem was never the country I moved to. It can be any country in the world.
If I did not change my inner world, I would still be miserable.
Unfortunately, most people do not look inward to see the problems inside themselves. Instead, they either remain miserable in the new country or go back to where they came from and remain miserable there.
It’s all an inside game; life is a game. I see every stage in my life as another hero’s journey. Another step in either direction, sometimes spiraling into the abyss, sometimes flying high.
Learning to roll with the flow of life abroad or in my home country.
Buying this house resets the cycle.
I have no idea what I am doing fixing up an old farmhouse, harvesting coffee, or planting a garden that will provide me with 90% of my food—except that I am willing to learn.
I still get asked if I feel safe living here or if buying land was a good idea. Honestly, does it matter what I say?
Others are always going to put their fears on me. If it is dangerous, I am the one living here, not you. I am the one who spent my hard-earned money on land, not you. I am the one living this life, not you.
If it all fails, I fail, not you.
My problems have nothing to do with the external world. If I let the external world affect my peace, I would never be able to leave my home.
Instead, I embrace life as a game, somewhere I can play in human form. I allow my internal world to manifest in the external world. When my life is turbulent, I look inside.
Today is rainy and gloomy. I needed a rest day. Did my internal world play out externally, or is it a coincidence? Who knows? All I know is that whatever you think is true.
Living abroad did not solve my problems; it will not solve yours either.
Instead, searching for answers led me to answers and more questions, but only when I turned inward.
I find it amazing how my external world directly reflects my internal world. The dogs are laying peacefully at my feet, lunch is being prepared, and the sun is beginning to shine.
So why do most expats fail?
In my opinion, they cannot adapt to their surroundings, letting others' opinions influence what they do. The number one reason is that their internal world is crumbling.
They are essentially running from their problems instead of embracing them head-on. It is never the country; it is always you.
Missing the comforts of home because most of us prefer comfort to change, especially when it involves dealing with our ego.
After all, I am always right. Right? 😉
(hehe)
Of course, there are practical reasons you might fail. I don´t like the word "fail;" I think returning to your home country is entirely reasonable.
Don´t blame everything and everyone else; accept that it was not for you, and you returned home.
Easy peasy.
Many reasons people decide to move back home are the following.
Aging parents/children in school.
You realize you don´t like living abroad.
You miss your friends and family.
You dislike the country for valid reasons.
Money issues and you must return to your home country for a job.
Whatever reason you want to have, it is your life. Don´t be a victim; take responsibility. No one cares if you move back home.
Failure is a part of life; I have failed more than I can count. Lately, whenever I pick coffee, I fall down the hill. I get up and continue.
If one day I decide to sell the farm and move home, it is my decision.
For example, if you choose to move abroad, do it! If you want to move back home, do it!
Remember to do the inner work whichever decision you make since you can not outrun yourself.
XOXO
S
So much wisdom here.
Just curious Sara, did you move solo out to Colombia?
Parts that resonated with me: "Others are always going to put their fears on me" "If it all fails, I fail, not you."
Sometimes, the hardest place to live is the mind, this encourages doing hard inner self-work.
I can identify with a lot of this. After trying a few places and blaming the local culture for my inability to adapt, I went to Taiwan with a new, more self-critical attitude, and it made all the difference. Thanks for reminding me of some useful lessons learned!