According to Google, the rainy season in Jericó starts on March 1st. However, it has already gotten cold and rainy.
I am not complaining.
The first day, when it began to thunderstorm, I was so excited. I have loved thunderstorms ever since I was a child and would watch the lightning dance across the sky from my bedroom window.
I love how the wind blows and the sound of thunder as if the gods are having a party. They are celebrating high above, and we receive their joy.
However, it does not get as cold here in Colombia as those who live up north. The mornings and evenings will be chilly, but there will be sun and warmth at midday.
Lately, I have been craving the cool temperatures. Maybe I am feeling lazy, and the feeling of hibernation gives me an excuse to take a break.
The more work I do outside with my hands, the less I want to focus on the screen. Each sunny day, there is an opportunity to work on something that is outside in nature vs where I am now sitting, inside.
The more I focus on the screen, the more stress it brings me. The unforgiving algorithms, if you do not produce, you are kicked out.
At some point, it makes me not want to do anything, and I get stuck in analysis paralysis; then, what do I do?
I work in the garden.
Instantly, I felt the sun on my face and the warm breeze, knowing that I had created and planted something that would continue to nourish me for months. The best part is that I am instantly at peace when I go to the garden.
Still, when I sit down at my computer, I am constantly reminded that I am not good enough because I do not have a million income streams, making a million dollars, and of course, I do not get up at 5 am and do not try to fit into the ideal world of a content creator.
When is enough enough?
When can we just do something without criticism?
Being online and sharing my life with the world often brings judgment and hate, and of course, everyone’s opinions of how I am doing it wrong, or doing it right, or who the hell knows.
I have no idea what I am doing most of the time. I never show up as having it all figured out.
I know one thing: I will not conform to what the online audience wants.
The whole reason I have created a brand essentially around me, as a disorganized, chaotic, rebellious human who flies by the seat of my pants 99% of the time, is so I can do what I want and inspire others.
Those who are not perfect like me dislike perfection; it is unobtainable and overrated.
Life is not perfect; my life is far from ideal. For example, I want to live in Jericó. It is one of Colombia’s hardest and most expensive places to find somewhere to live.
I do not know what I am doing or have a plan. I have a dream; I know what I want, but I do not know how to achieve this.
I film, write, and binge-watch Netflix because I am overwhelmed because ¨I should do xyx¨.
What is the point of life?
I have been asking myself this question for the past few years. Some days, I feel stressed because ¨I should have a niche¨ but doing one thing is always boring; I refuse and can’t.
I want to follow what I wish, imagine my life, and see what happens. Essentially, this is what I do anyway, but some of the criticism can be overwhelming, or feeling judged, yet ironically, the one judging me the hardest is always me.
Feeling behind in life, feeling like if I was more organized, I would be where I want to be, and then wondering if I was there, what would I do?
Would I be bored and look for something else?
What about when I get to what I want to achieve?
What, then, will I drop dead because I have arrived?
I don’t really know; I only know that today is today. I am disorganized; my coffee is cold, the chickens are clucking, and the rain has stopped.
When I arrived at where I was staying, the compost was disgusting and stank; now it smells of soil and fresh earth. I have tomatoes growing and squash plants beginning to spread out and grow.
Knowing that my perfect land exists, I am just waiting to discover it. When the time is right, it will appear.
Perfection is overrated. Eventually, we all get where we need to go, stressed or not. Maybe I envy those who are organized and have a plan as I fumble my way through life.
XOXO
S